Recently, a Florida-based cruise line announced a four-year journey with stops in 140 countries, marketed to those hoping to avoid the United States during President Trump’s second term in office. Even more dramatic have been the women shaving their heads on social media and swearing to celibacy in order to protest the patriarchy. The most troubling post-election overreaction, however, is a trend that seems to have become a new American holiday tradition: canceling Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations with loved ones. Choosing politics over our most important relationships may be the most damning evidence yet that America is plagued by the “political illusion.”

At least part of this trend is how consequential our elections have become. All elections have consequences, but we are putting a cultural weight on politics that it cannot bear. When essential truths about life and the human person rely on a vote, the rest of society, especially the family and the Church, has failed to fulfill the roles for which God created them.

Christians especially should fight to stay in important relationships. Paul instructed Christians to strive to live at peace “with as much as lies within us.” However, this does not mean we should remain silent or avoid hard conversations.

In fact, with Thanksgiving imminent, we may soon find ourselves in tense conversations over hot topics with people we are called to love. How can we do this in a way that creates more light than it does heat?

First, we must discern which discussions are worthwhile and which are likely to generate more conflict and stress. Not every challenge or attack needs or is worthy of a response. In fact, in many circumstances, the best response is to demonstrate what is more important by dropping or redirecting the conversation in a more hopeful direction.

Second, a soft answer really does turn away wrath. Our tone should not be determined by the anger of another. Most often, when they escalate, we escalate. But, when we diffuse, they are more likely to diffuse. Paul’s instructions for Timothy still stand, “The Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, … correcting his opponents with gentleness.”

Again, this does not mean avoiding hard conversations. In fact, especially in an age of confusion and bad ideas, Christians are called to speak truth and counter lies. We can demonstrate, however, a better way to argue. In his 1929 Illustrated London News column, G.K. Chesterton wrote,

People generally quarrel because they cannot argue. And it is extraordinary to notice how few people in the modern world can argue. This is why there are so many quarrels, breaking out again and again, and never coming to any natural end…

Later, Chesterton described the relationship he had with his brother Cecil:

I am glad to think that through all those years we never stopped arguing; and we never once quarreled. Perhaps the principal objection to a quarrel is that it interrupts an argument.

One way to foster civil and productive arguments is with good questions. The right question can turn monologues into dialogues, surface-level discussions into deeper ones, and may even open a closed mind. Here are six helpful questions to keep in mind:

First, What do you mean by that? It’s vital in any conversation to clarify the terms being used. Often, when it comes to the most crucial issues of our culture, we’re using the same vocabulary as those with whom we disagree, but not the same dictionary.

Second, How do you know that is true? Assertions are not the same as arguments. An assertion is a definitive statement made about the nature of reality. An argument is presented to back up an assertion. By asking, “How do you know that’s true?” the conversation moves past competing assertions to why an assertion should be taken seriously.

Third, Where did you get this information? When an argument is offered, it is important to ensure it’s valid. This is especially important in a culture of digital echo chambers, competing news sources, and “alternative facts.”

Fourth, How did you come to this conclusion? Everyone has a story. Knowing someone’s story can explain why he or she cannot understand your views or does not find them plausible.

The final two questions are, What if you’re wrong? and What if you’re right? Ideas have consequences, and bad ideas have victims. These questions move someone’s ideas or views to their logical conclusion.

But still, the very best question to ask and answer tomorrow is, What are you thankful for? After all, offering thanks is a great way to talk about God.

From all of us at the Colson Center, Happy Thanksgiving. As I gather tomorrow with friends and family, I will be giving thanks for all of you.

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